The journey begins again. The smell of alcohol as I rub my bruised skin to take another shot. This is #4 cycle. Never in my entire life did I ever think I would be here. NEVER. I am so scared it won't work. I can't sleep, I worry about what will happen when we are told it is a "no" I am just scared out of my mind. Horrible I know. I need to be positive. I need to be encouraging my body to produce healthy eggs and it be prepping to carry a wonderful god sent baby for 9 months but I am so use to the negative that I am scared of what it will be. My mind can not wrap itself around a "positive" result but my heart yearns for it. I hate myself during these 6 weeks of cycling. I hate the weight I gain, my moods, I hate being around myself. I push everyone away and just want to be myself which I know is not heathy. I don't want anyone to know we are cycling again because I do not want the questions.
I am going today to talk to a hypnotist who specializes in fertility. I just finished a book about mind over matter and it was very helpful. I am hoping this hypnotist can assist me with my brain and make me think more positive.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Case of the "F-it's"
AHHHH yes..... I have a BAD case of the F-It's. Just f-u-c-k it. I need to get out of it.
My husband and I were watching Dana Carvey on Saturday and he was talking about how we get a case of the Fuck It's. That is when you should go to work and work but you find yourself watching You Tube for 9 hrs.
Ever since my last negative on IVF--DH and I have been enjoying life. We may have a little to much beer one night, we sang Karaoke, and have done a lot of talking to each other. It has been nice but man o man I am exhausted. I am ready to go back to no drinking during the week and where I am in bed by 9:30 p.m. every night.
Dh and I DO get to attend an adoption seminar tomorrow. I am super excited but I also have done a lot of research and am a little overwhelmed with all the paperwork we have to do and have been freaking out about the home study. I think it is the fear of the unknown. But, it is SO exciting. Just thinking about having a little one in my arms and calling me "Momma" and calling DH "Daddy" gets my heart racing and let's the butterflies loose in my tummy!!!
So, we are not sure if we are going to go back and do IVF #4. DH had to go get his blood drawn but they didn't have the form that our doctor's office had done online. So, he was frustrated. I called the doctor's office but our file was in the other office. DH called me and said "this is bullshit" so he left. While he was in there waiting for someone to find our paperwork-- a wicked storm came in. So, when he left-- tree's were down and some intersections had lost its electricity. So, he could not get lunch and was running out of time. He was one MAD person. I don't blame him. So, he went back to work and I brought him lunch cause he had meetings all afternoon. Aren't I just the sweetest wife ever?!! :-)
My husband and I were watching Dana Carvey on Saturday and he was talking about how we get a case of the Fuck It's. That is when you should go to work and work but you find yourself watching You Tube for 9 hrs.
Ever since my last negative on IVF--DH and I have been enjoying life. We may have a little to much beer one night, we sang Karaoke, and have done a lot of talking to each other. It has been nice but man o man I am exhausted. I am ready to go back to no drinking during the week and where I am in bed by 9:30 p.m. every night.
Dh and I DO get to attend an adoption seminar tomorrow. I am super excited but I also have done a lot of research and am a little overwhelmed with all the paperwork we have to do and have been freaking out about the home study. I think it is the fear of the unknown. But, it is SO exciting. Just thinking about having a little one in my arms and calling me "Momma" and calling DH "Daddy" gets my heart racing and let's the butterflies loose in my tummy!!!
So, we are not sure if we are going to go back and do IVF #4. DH had to go get his blood drawn but they didn't have the form that our doctor's office had done online. So, he was frustrated. I called the doctor's office but our file was in the other office. DH called me and said "this is bullshit" so he left. While he was in there waiting for someone to find our paperwork-- a wicked storm came in. So, when he left-- tree's were down and some intersections had lost its electricity. So, he could not get lunch and was running out of time. He was one MAD person. I don't blame him. So, he went back to work and I brought him lunch cause he had meetings all afternoon. Aren't I just the sweetest wife ever?!! :-)
Friday, June 13, 2008
Friday!!!
Thank goodness it is Friday!! What an emotional exhausting couple of weeks it has been!! Finding out #3 was negative, attending Grandma's funeral in cold Seattle 2 days later. Going back to the doctor and getting some hope. I am glad I decided to push back our cycle from July to August. I just felt so rushed.
Crazy how the world works-- DH and I are going to adopt as well. Hopefully, IVF #4 will work and we will also have a baby that was chosen just for us. Anyway- we were talking about sending in the application. Yesterday, we got a letter inviting us to a seminar next week with the agency we had decided on. If we attend this seminar--we get $350.00 off the process. YAY! So, we are going to attend the seminar and turn in our family photo and our application next week. Makes me feel SO good to know I am FINALLY doing something that I can control.
I am mad at my doctor's office. They were suppose to call us back with how much insurance we have left and to see if a test they want DH to take will be covered. I called yesterday-- no call back. As for today...no call back. I am frustrated. I am going to call them yet again here in a minute. Half me wants to say that we are not going to go through another cycle unless they call back. Just makes me want to say GRRRRRRRRRRR. I don't understand how hard it is to return a call or just to get some answers to simple questions.
This weekend I plan on doing nothing but resting. I just want to spend time with DH and the dogs. I am SOOO happy how close DH and I have gotten. Makes me so happy to come home from work and give him a big hug and hear his laugh. He has a wonderful laugh. I love it. I feel closer to him today then I did ten years ago when we first got married. I feel like I talk to him all the time in my head. Just thinking of him makes me smile. :-)
Crazy how the world works-- DH and I are going to adopt as well. Hopefully, IVF #4 will work and we will also have a baby that was chosen just for us. Anyway- we were talking about sending in the application. Yesterday, we got a letter inviting us to a seminar next week with the agency we had decided on. If we attend this seminar--we get $350.00 off the process. YAY! So, we are going to attend the seminar and turn in our family photo and our application next week. Makes me feel SO good to know I am FINALLY doing something that I can control.
I am mad at my doctor's office. They were suppose to call us back with how much insurance we have left and to see if a test they want DH to take will be covered. I called yesterday-- no call back. As for today...no call back. I am frustrated. I am going to call them yet again here in a minute. Half me wants to say that we are not going to go through another cycle unless they call back. Just makes me want to say GRRRRRRRRRRR. I don't understand how hard it is to return a call or just to get some answers to simple questions.
This weekend I plan on doing nothing but resting. I just want to spend time with DH and the dogs. I am SOOO happy how close DH and I have gotten. Makes me so happy to come home from work and give him a big hug and hear his laugh. He has a wonderful laugh. I love it. I feel closer to him today then I did ten years ago when we first got married. I feel like I talk to him all the time in my head. Just thinking of him makes me smile. :-)
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Magic Pill
There is no magic pill. I want there to be a magic pill. So...my husband and I went to the doctor's office for the talk about why our third IVF failed. We know why....the hospital should have done ICSI and they didn't. But, we wanted more answers from the doctor.
We arrive 15 minutes early. I pulled into the parking garage right after my husband did. We go up tot he elevator and walk into the office. There was two women who were waiting. One of them was talking LOUDLY on her cell phone...(which is a HUGE pet peeve. Doctor's small waiting room are NOT the place to have conversations) After about 5 minutes they were called back. My husband started bouncing his leg around and kept asking me what time it was. I let him know it was only 3:40 and our appointment is at 3:45. He then told me he had to return to work for a 5:30 meeting. So, for the next 30 minutes I watched my husband get more angry and almost saw smoke coming out of his ears as we had to sit there and wait. At 4:20 we stood up and told the Receptionist we would have to reschedule. Well, our doctor over heard us and called us back right then. (he had no idea he was behind schedule and that we had been waiting) He was wanting to talk to us as much as we wanted to talk to him. So, he told us that the hospital should have checked my records to see that we had done ISCI the last two IVF cycles. He apologized again. Then I asked him where the magic pill was. I told him about all the Internet research I have been doing. I told him I know some women are on steroids to assist with implantation. He said that he would have stock in the company if there was a steroid that would consistently work and help with implantation. He said that is what baby aspirin is for. We asked what tests should run. He said he only wants one test done on my husband that is genetic. He said I respond well the medicine, our embies look great (the previous two cycles) then I asked...why don't they implant. He said he didn't know. I asked for the magic pill again. He smiled and said I wish there was one. He went on to say the basically they do not know enough about why IVF works on some people and not on others. He said that ICSI was just discovered in 1992. He said maybe in ten years they will be able to pinpoint why it didn't work but right now there is not enough research out there done. I did ask him if he needed to rerun all my tests....he said no. He said it would be a waste of time and money. He also said we are welcome to get a second opinion but he has done and will continue to do everything to make me pregnant. He made us feel good and like we were his special project.
So, our doctor wants to not count this last cycle as #3. He wants to do it again and he is going to see what they can do at their end to assist with the costs. He wants me to start the next cycle right away. First though, we asked for them to verify our insurance. We want to know if we have any left. We also want to know if this genetic test on my husband is covered. So, once we get that call going and everything is A-OK then it looks like it will full steam ahead. The nurse did say that we may not have the genetic test back so my husband will have to ask what the turn around time will be. We want to make sure we could have it back in time. Otherwise I will be doing all this again for nothing.
So, my husband and I walked out of there feeling a bit rushed since it was 5p.m. and he had to get back to work. My husband asked how I felt about everything.... I feel like I will do this again but I can not help that negative feeling I have. I feel like we will do this again and the cycle will be textbook perfect and yet we all know the outcome....negative. My head feels like it will be negative-since that is all we know. My heart has a ton of hope in it. Hope that this will work. Hope that this cycle will be "the" cycle that works. But, I also want to KNOW it will work. I want that magic pill.
We arrive 15 minutes early. I pulled into the parking garage right after my husband did. We go up tot he elevator and walk into the office. There was two women who were waiting. One of them was talking LOUDLY on her cell phone...(which is a HUGE pet peeve. Doctor's small waiting room are NOT the place to have conversations) After about 5 minutes they were called back. My husband started bouncing his leg around and kept asking me what time it was. I let him know it was only 3:40 and our appointment is at 3:45. He then told me he had to return to work for a 5:30 meeting. So, for the next 30 minutes I watched my husband get more angry and almost saw smoke coming out of his ears as we had to sit there and wait. At 4:20 we stood up and told the Receptionist we would have to reschedule. Well, our doctor over heard us and called us back right then. (he had no idea he was behind schedule and that we had been waiting) He was wanting to talk to us as much as we wanted to talk to him. So, he told us that the hospital should have checked my records to see that we had done ISCI the last two IVF cycles. He apologized again. Then I asked him where the magic pill was. I told him about all the Internet research I have been doing. I told him I know some women are on steroids to assist with implantation. He said that he would have stock in the company if there was a steroid that would consistently work and help with implantation. He said that is what baby aspirin is for. We asked what tests should run. He said he only wants one test done on my husband that is genetic. He said I respond well the medicine, our embies look great (the previous two cycles) then I asked...why don't they implant. He said he didn't know. I asked for the magic pill again. He smiled and said I wish there was one. He went on to say the basically they do not know enough about why IVF works on some people and not on others. He said that ICSI was just discovered in 1992. He said maybe in ten years they will be able to pinpoint why it didn't work but right now there is not enough research out there done. I did ask him if he needed to rerun all my tests....he said no. He said it would be a waste of time and money. He also said we are welcome to get a second opinion but he has done and will continue to do everything to make me pregnant. He made us feel good and like we were his special project.
So, our doctor wants to not count this last cycle as #3. He wants to do it again and he is going to see what they can do at their end to assist with the costs. He wants me to start the next cycle right away. First though, we asked for them to verify our insurance. We want to know if we have any left. We also want to know if this genetic test on my husband is covered. So, once we get that call going and everything is A-OK then it looks like it will full steam ahead. The nurse did say that we may not have the genetic test back so my husband will have to ask what the turn around time will be. We want to make sure we could have it back in time. Otherwise I will be doing all this again for nothing.
So, my husband and I walked out of there feeling a bit rushed since it was 5p.m. and he had to get back to work. My husband asked how I felt about everything.... I feel like I will do this again but I can not help that negative feeling I have. I feel like we will do this again and the cycle will be textbook perfect and yet we all know the outcome....negative. My head feels like it will be negative-since that is all we know. My heart has a ton of hope in it. Hope that this will work. Hope that this cycle will be "the" cycle that works. But, I also want to KNOW it will work. I want that magic pill.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
A New Beginning
I will admit... I am a "lurker" I have been reading other women's blog who suffer from the same problem my husband and I suffer from...infertility. Just typing that makes me SIGH. Reading these women's blogs have really helped me. They made me realize that I am not alone. I am not the only one who is learning to deal with infertility. I enjoy logging in on my lunch hour and catching up with them. Even though they have no idea that I am reading their blogs...I am in their corner. Hoping and praying that their cycles will work and they will see what we have all longed to see....a positive pregnancy test.
I was talking with my husband the other day and we were discussing how one handles their problems. I realized after he pointed this out to me that I am an "emotional eater/drinker" After my most recent "Negative" on my third round of IVF...we went out and I drunk. (I had not drank in months so it didn't take much.) I know it is not the best way to deal with my issues. I am not saying I get drunk every night either but sometimes it is hard for me to sit down and talk about my feelings. Especially when it comes to infertility....I tend to get very emotional and start crying and I am not able to get all my feelings out there. I started visiting an infertility forum and talking with other ladies who are going to my same doctor. I realized it was easier to tell them what I was feeling because I didn't have to "say" it. So, I have decided to help myself--I am going to become a blogger. So....welcome to my blog!
Today my husband and I are going to visit the doctor to see why our last cycle failed. We are very fortunate that we have insurance but we about at our limit. I also know that typically women get pregnant after their third IVF. I NEVER thought that 1.) I would be thinking about IVF cycle #4 2) I would suffer from infertility 3) I would have to come to terms with the possibility of never having my own child.
Talking to the doctor is very hard for me because once again...I get emotional and start to cry and I can not talk. So, today I wrote down my questions and am going to ask every single one of them. A part of me wants every test run again and to add new tests to the batch-like genetic. Another part of me is so scared to go down this path again. It is such an emotional roller coaster and I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with the negative again. I also think sometimes I am SO use to the negative that I don't give my body a chance to be positive. I wish IVF was like a test....I feel I have done SO much research that I should get an "A" and that would mean...it would work! I try and not to stress during my cycles...I try and remain positive. During that dreaded 2 week wait...I realize I AM pregnant and I do feel blessed that I get to experience it. Every cramp and twinge I look down at my stomach and pray that it is the little embies making themselves at home in my uterus. I have so much HOPE and yet I find that my husband and I are dealing with the negative again.
I don't understand why some couples can have a family so easily and other couples have this struggle. Since we just found out it is negative, I have grown beyond depressed to now I am just MAD. I want to yell and scream and ask WHY... WHY US? We have so much love to give and that this is not fair. I want to be a child and stomp around and cry furious tears and just have a temper tantrum. Alas, I hide it all. I go to KFC and have a large mashed potatoes and gravy and watch TMZ instead and try and comfort myself that way. Of course, now...thanks to the extra gravy I ask for I have thunder thighs!!
There are my rantings and ravings for my first blog!! it was healthy for me to type out my feelings!!
I was talking with my husband the other day and we were discussing how one handles their problems. I realized after he pointed this out to me that I am an "emotional eater/drinker" After my most recent "Negative" on my third round of IVF...we went out and I drunk. (I had not drank in months so it didn't take much.) I know it is not the best way to deal with my issues. I am not saying I get drunk every night either but sometimes it is hard for me to sit down and talk about my feelings. Especially when it comes to infertility....I tend to get very emotional and start crying and I am not able to get all my feelings out there. I started visiting an infertility forum and talking with other ladies who are going to my same doctor. I realized it was easier to tell them what I was feeling because I didn't have to "say" it. So, I have decided to help myself--I am going to become a blogger. So....welcome to my blog!
Today my husband and I are going to visit the doctor to see why our last cycle failed. We are very fortunate that we have insurance but we about at our limit. I also know that typically women get pregnant after their third IVF. I NEVER thought that 1.) I would be thinking about IVF cycle #4 2) I would suffer from infertility 3) I would have to come to terms with the possibility of never having my own child.
Talking to the doctor is very hard for me because once again...I get emotional and start to cry and I can not talk. So, today I wrote down my questions and am going to ask every single one of them. A part of me wants every test run again and to add new tests to the batch-like genetic. Another part of me is so scared to go down this path again. It is such an emotional roller coaster and I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with the negative again. I also think sometimes I am SO use to the negative that I don't give my body a chance to be positive. I wish IVF was like a test....I feel I have done SO much research that I should get an "A" and that would mean...it would work! I try and not to stress during my cycles...I try and remain positive. During that dreaded 2 week wait...I realize I AM pregnant and I do feel blessed that I get to experience it. Every cramp and twinge I look down at my stomach and pray that it is the little embies making themselves at home in my uterus. I have so much HOPE and yet I find that my husband and I are dealing with the negative again.
I don't understand why some couples can have a family so easily and other couples have this struggle. Since we just found out it is negative, I have grown beyond depressed to now I am just MAD. I want to yell and scream and ask WHY... WHY US? We have so much love to give and that this is not fair. I want to be a child and stomp around and cry furious tears and just have a temper tantrum. Alas, I hide it all. I go to KFC and have a large mashed potatoes and gravy and watch TMZ instead and try and comfort myself that way. Of course, now...thanks to the extra gravy I ask for I have thunder thighs!!
There are my rantings and ravings for my first blog!! it was healthy for me to type out my feelings!!
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