The journey begins again. The smell of alcohol as I rub my bruised skin to take another shot. This is #4 cycle. Never in my entire life did I ever think I would be here. NEVER. I am so scared it won't work. I can't sleep, I worry about what will happen when we are told it is a "no" I am just scared out of my mind. Horrible I know. I need to be positive. I need to be encouraging my body to produce healthy eggs and it be prepping to carry a wonderful god sent baby for 9 months but I am so use to the negative that I am scared of what it will be. My mind can not wrap itself around a "positive" result but my heart yearns for it. I hate myself during these 6 weeks of cycling. I hate the weight I gain, my moods, I hate being around myself. I push everyone away and just want to be myself which I know is not heathy. I don't want anyone to know we are cycling again because I do not want the questions.
I am going today to talk to a hypnotist who specializes in fertility. I just finished a book about mind over matter and it was very helpful. I am hoping this hypnotist can assist me with my brain and make me think more positive.
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