I will admit... I am a "lurker" I have been reading other women's blog who suffer from the same problem my husband and I suffer from...infertility. Just typing that makes me SIGH. Reading these women's blogs have really helped me. They made me realize that I am not alone. I am not the only one who is learning to deal with infertility. I enjoy logging in on my lunch hour and catching up with them. Even though they have no idea that I am reading their blogs...I am in their corner. Hoping and praying that their cycles will work and they will see what we have all longed to see....a positive pregnancy test.
I was talking with my husband the other day and we were discussing how one handles their problems. I realized after he pointed this out to me that I am an "emotional eater/drinker" After my most recent "Negative" on my third round of IVF...we went out and I drunk. (I had not drank in months so it didn't take much.) I know it is not the best way to deal with my issues. I am not saying I get drunk every night either but sometimes it is hard for me to sit down and talk about my feelings. Especially when it comes to infertility....I tend to get very emotional and start crying and I am not able to get all my feelings out there. I started visiting an infertility forum and talking with other ladies who are going to my same doctor. I realized it was easier to tell them what I was feeling because I didn't have to "say" it. So, I have decided to help myself--I am going to become a blogger. So....welcome to my blog!
Today my husband and I are going to visit the doctor to see why our last cycle failed. We are very fortunate that we have insurance but we about at our limit. I also know that typically women get pregnant after their third IVF. I NEVER thought that 1.) I would be thinking about IVF cycle #4 2) I would suffer from infertility 3) I would have to come to terms with the possibility of never having my own child.
Talking to the doctor is very hard for me because once again...I get emotional and start to cry and I can not talk. So, today I wrote down my questions and am going to ask every single one of them. A part of me wants every test run again and to add new tests to the batch-like genetic. Another part of me is so scared to go down this path again. It is such an emotional roller coaster and I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with the negative again. I also think sometimes I am SO use to the negative that I don't give my body a chance to be positive. I wish IVF was like a test....I feel I have done SO much research that I should get an "A" and that would mean...it would work! I try and not to stress during my cycles...I try and remain positive. During that dreaded 2 week wait...I realize I AM pregnant and I do feel blessed that I get to experience it. Every cramp and twinge I look down at my stomach and pray that it is the little embies making themselves at home in my uterus. I have so much HOPE and yet I find that my husband and I are dealing with the negative again.
I don't understand why some couples can have a family so easily and other couples have this struggle. Since we just found out it is negative, I have grown beyond depressed to now I am just MAD. I want to yell and scream and ask WHY... WHY US? We have so much love to give and that this is not fair. I want to be a child and stomp around and cry furious tears and just have a temper tantrum. Alas, I hide it all. I go to KFC and have a large mashed potatoes and gravy and watch TMZ instead and try and comfort myself that way. Of course, now...thanks to the extra gravy I ask for I have thunder thighs!!
There are my rantings and ravings for my first blog!! it was healthy for me to type out my feelings!!
